three 3:33 snap shots on a Thursday

After school we have a snack of some kind. On Fridays we stop and get a slushy on the way home for good behavior (or I just need a dt.coke). We have a little down time of watching one show or playing on some type of device. We all need a little brain melting sometimes, right?(Eden's current favorite show ever is Monster Fish on Netflix. She's such a weirdo just like me)

Then no matter the weather I kick everyone outside.

Not on purpose, we started a tradition where I pull up dance'n tunes on my phone and we dance on the deck for a while.

Cause we don't care, we're driving Cadillacs  in our dreams

-Sneaky little Mags got a marshmallow from the s'mores box-

 -We have no dishwasher = we have a plethora of paper plates.

Which sometimes double as a canvas-

-Eden even added a mask today-

make a list

I've been in a "funk" the past little while. Thankfully I went to a wonderful counselor a while back that filled my tool belt full of tools to help work through the dark cloud of depression/anxiety.

|orange blossom tea+fresh ricotta smeared on grilled bread with jam and pepper|

The thing about depression is (yes, I will start many sentences like this, cause there are LOTS of things) is you are: sad, apathetic, terribly scared, guilt ridden, feeling totally worthless, frustrated, unable to focus/think clearly, sensitive and physically tired all at the same time until basically you can't take it or things start picking up. I am past the "cant take it" stage. That was a few years ago. But I sill get into a downward spiral every now and then and the maddening thing is, there's really no specific reason. It's been a few week process but yesterday all those familiar feels creeped back in and eventually last night I found myself not caring about anything but at the same time on the verge of tears over anything. A few years of bad days has taught me comedy helps me. I knew some 30 Rock+turning my brain off (sleep) definitely helps.

And it did of course. I woke up, very timid, but feeling better.

I dropped the last kid off at school and went to my favorite coffee shop/restaurant. Pulled out a pen and scrap piece of paper and haphazardly wrote down anything and everything that brings me joy. Ranging from "getting a fountain diet coke at my gas station on the way to running errands" to "connecting to God through scripture study".

Yesterday I could remember what in the past made me happy, but it felt like somebody else's memory I had to trust to be real cause I wasn't feeling it at all. Today I was able to write a bunch of stuff down, and really felt good about it. I like me. I like what my strengths are and what my weaknesses are. 

Sometimes writing things down that we are thankful can cause some guilt cause we should be thankful for everything, right?! Why am I not happy and content? What's wrong with me? There are child slaves in Africa! I am horrible!...and then all a sudden you are entitled, fat, and full of yourself (see! queen of spiraling!). 

Writing stuff down that brings you joy is a whole different angle.

Writing down what brings you joy also sets you up for a game plan. I enjoy doing x,y and z. So today I am going to incorporate those things in my life. Or at least plan for them to happen.

I hope that helps. Or if not I hope you realize how delicious and simple that breakfast was. Seriously.

spring in Arkansas

Four ways I know spring has pretty much arrived here in Arkansas:

1. Green is creeping up and everywhere. Even on our dilapidated shed+scrap metal pile.
2. Green means pollen, pollen means ALLERGIES FOR EVERYONE! (read is Oprah voice!)
3. Sonic has half price shakes after 8! (if you are insta-friends with me you know I love the berry lavender), but always a safe and delicious choice is coconut. Tip: ALWAYS request/demand a thick shake with no graham cracker crumbs. No runny shakes for this girl. And no unnecessary crumbs trying to pass as "crust".
4. ROAD KILL. If you don't live here, then I'm sorry, you do not know the true meaning of the word. Armadillos+skunks+raccoons+what-was-that's?! sprinkle the road like powdered sugar on a beignet. Or pulled pork on nachos. Or fried pickles on your table.

saturday game plan:

|our super glamorous pinterest ready counter|

• I was nominated to decorate a kind of last minute baby shower for one of the sweetest girls ever in existance through all history and time. This aint my first rodeo and usually I have a huge bin at my disposal in my office for decorating parties (its kind of one of my favorite things to do?). BUT most of our possessions are in storage buried deep. So décor today will be simple: white and blue flowers (hydrangeas to the rescue!) in mason jars, burlap table cloths and boom there we go. Typically when I am in charge of a party I take a week hand making stuff for it...so it feels really odd to me to be just winging it.
• Meet up with our plumber and get a quote + game plan for plumbing all this mess we're living in. Currently we use one tiny gross bathroom with the water heater out in the open right next to the toilet. Did I mention we can't invite people over with young children? Our house is currently a literal death trap.
• Keep up on meds for Lily. The brave girl got her adenoids removed and tubes in her ears on Thursday! She is amazing and hasn't complained once.
• Frame the bedroom+bathroom+laundry room walls upstairs.
• Kick girls out of the house most of the day. Sunny warm days must NOT be wasted. Especailly when we have an awesome yard to play in.
• Watch "Splash" with Chad (you know, the 80's Tom Hanks movie?) cause he's never seen it!
• FaceTime with grandparents

How's your Saturday looking?

stamp

A year ago I got a tattoo. (Maggie calls it my "stamp")

It is a feather.

An angel wing feather.

It is a visual, constant reminder that my mom is always with me.

It is a specific reminder of  a time when my angle mom was with me and gave me strength.

Two years ago, during my darkest moment of my depression., I was prepping dinner before Chad got home. I was chopping carrots and onions and Brussel sprouts. I couldn't stop crying.

I took all my strength for me not to slit my wrist.

I felt my mom. She and my grandma were next to me, it felt like they each had their arms around me and were there to calm me down. I felt my darkest but I also felt them reassuring me this would pass at the same time.

And it did pass. Not immediately but it did indeed pass.

If you know me, you know I am an open book. I am obviously very open about the past few years of my battle with depression. It is not to get sympathy, or attention, it's to bring some awareness and hopefully help to someone else who may be suffering. If that's you, you're not alone. And it does get better. SO much better!

PS-My tattoo is now a year old, I get asked if I regret it. The answer is NO! I prayed about it, I felt good about it and I still love it. Don't agree, that's cool.

meet me in St. Louis!

We got away for a long weekend.

We left Thursday night with absolutely no plan or schedule. No one we had to meet up with. We have NEVER done that before, and it was so needed and wonderful I can not put it into words.

We booked our hotels on the way to them (which by the way was awesome cause we ended up getting the swankiest hotels for less than half their normal rate) we asked locals where to eat which meant we ate crazy good food at really cool places.

It was the first time I felt really relaxed in a long time. Relaxed meaning: Chad and I didn't have a huge cloud of "to-do's" following us around.

Favorite place we played at: the City Museum. Which completely and absolutely blew our minds. The only way I can describe it is: an architect and an artist tripped on acid and had a baby. It was so rad. Three words: TEN STORY SLIDE.  Seriously.

My favorite places we ate at:   1)Rooster  for breakfast (I had the roasted tomato, goat cheese and bacon crepe) it was all so yummy I could barely handle it.

2)Pi was my second favorite. St. Louis style deep dish pizza, great atmosphere and great people watching.

We are home now.

I feel like I have perspective again.

I have motivation and my batteries were totally re-charged.

Come at me world! I am ready!

So, thanks St. Louis. You are a very happy memory to fall back on when days get hard.

And now here are two crappy pictures:

The second hotel we stayed at (called Magnolia!!!) was so fancy I loved it.

And I woke up to Maggie doing some jazzercise in a leopard swimsuit.

Totally normal.

Us in the elevator headed out to the zoo.

Obviously I'm amazing at this because you can really only see chad and my cleavage.

So. There ya go.

a quick post on my 30th

I am officially THIRTY today! Honestly I am so stoked. I have been looking forward to being 30 for a long time.

On Monday I went out to dinner with a small handful of my close friends. [side note, glad I did early because today I've been holding barf bowls for kid+husband -insert party emoji-] We talked a lot as all lady friends do, including getting older and stuff. Apparently 30 is a big milestone and some people get a *little* upset/mad/emotional about getting older.

|Uncle Jeff, Grandpa Rands, Mama on some peak in WA|

As many of you know, my mom died when I was young. She was young, 36 years old to be exact. I recently had dinner with one of her best friends she considered a sister. She told me how when my mom was really sick, she would say: "if I ever get old enough to get arthritis, I am throwing a party!". Another time I vividly remember is when while she was bald, and tired from radiation+chemo, a friend of hers came over and complained about getting older (grey hair and stuff) and after she left she looked at me and said: she has no idea how bad I want to be able to have grey hair and be a grandma.

SO. Am I upset about turning 30?

HELL. NO.

Glory, glory hallelujah I am alive another year.

So happy birthday to me, and here's to MANY, many more!