I am really hard on my self.
I am a closet perfectionist and somewhat insecure.
I want to be the best mom for my girls, I want to consistently have a clean house, I want to be happy all the time, I want to be skinnier, I want to to read the scriptures everyday, I want a awesome meal prepared for when Chad gets home, I want to be pretty, I want to have balance in all aspects of my life, I want my place to be adorable, I want to enjoy every moment, I want it to be sunny out.
These past few weeks have been hard.
Well, lets be honest, real hard.
I felt so far behind in all my goals, I was mad at myself for lacking.
First there was just thoughts, then frustration, then tears.
So bummed and could not kick it no matter what self treatment I gave: running, reading, playing, eating, blah blah blah, nothing fixed.
Yesterday I was in the kitchen with tears in my eyes, overwhelmed, so much change is happening (moving, graduating, jobs, kids getting older...) all for the good, but so much change and I am behind, behind in what? I am not sure but I feel like I am behind. At that moment I could almost see my mom leaning against the counter with a diet coke saying: "Rach, get a grip, girl."
This morning, Chad gave me a priesthood blessing in which I was told, I do well at not judging others and patience, but when it comes to myself, I need to be better and to have patience with my short comings and trust that the Lord will provide.
Then my dear sweet friend Megan came over. She and I talked about life and the different stages we go through and are in now, of young motherhood with wonderful, but crazy and sometimes/lots of time difficult kids. Of our husbands being gone so much and being solo too much. She said something to the effect of: its ok not to do your best all the time. Its ok not to live up to extravagant expectations.
Do what you can, and give the rest to the Lord.
I went on a drive this afternoon, so the girls would sleep, it was raining really hard but in a refreshing type of way and I thought:
I have some things to work on.
I need to get a grip.
I need to let it go.
8 comments:
I love how honest you are with what you write. Why is it that as Mother's we are so hard on ourselves. I think it is the sign of a good parent that they are concsious of the areas that they are lacking. What is the alternative?? Not caring that you could try harder? I'm not saying that we need to beat ourselves up over things, but when those feelings happen recognize that it is because we care so much about our sterwardship.
Your title puts it so perfectly "get a grip, and let it go". I think it's so important to say these things so we all know we are in this together, instead of thinking that you are the only one that has those feelings. Thank you for sharing your life with us like that!
aw, rach, thanks for this post! (perfect timing!) you are wonderful, and i am so grateful for your blog. well, and YOU of course!!
minus the kids comments, i've felt similarly the past two weeks. i posted about it but then felt bad about ranting and took it down. i have a hard time being human.
i heart you.
xoxo
you're in my prayers :)
oh man. i love you woman. this post made me miss you, and miss your MOM!! wish we were all together to drink diet cokes and laugh together. simpsons maybe? gotcha stories? hang in there, you are AWESOME and doing soooo many GREAT THINGS! remember that. no one can do it all. =)
We all have those moments. You are doing great!
April
We all wish we were super human and could be all that list at the same time, but in reality it doesn't happen....some parts happen together and then they fall off a little while we get in gear with the others. Just remember your not alone in feeling that way and remember your kids are happy, healthy, loved and well taken care of...so on those hard days look in their faces and remember that you ARE doing things right every day...maybe not everything you would like...but enough, otherwise their cute faces wouldn't have all those blessings in your home!!
You are an amazing mom and you juggle way more balls at the same time then most of us, so you are amazing in my book!
Hang in there and come play again...just for fun or when you need a break!
Thanks for this post. I can relate to everything you are feeling. We are hardest on ourselves for not being perfect. But I am slowly, and I repeat slowly, beginning to understand that Heavenly Father doesn't expect us to be perfect. Next time you are up lets go have a diet coke together! Loves and hugs!!!
Janice
i love our chats. they get me pumped for another crazy week. thanks for letting me drop in, and i can't wait until you live around the block!!!!
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