Thursday, January 2, 2014

big, bold, blonde(?) 2014

So, I wasnt kidding.
I ditched my smart phone. I seriously feel like I am in college again texting my boyfriend late at night or something. I keep laughing at it, not out of disgust but just cause its funny to me for some reason! It's only been 24 hrs but I must say, I love it. It is almost embarrassing how I would just check my phone whenever I had a moment of down time. WHAT A WASTE.

Each year I get into New Years a little more. Maybe because I love setting goals?
ANYWAY. Here are mine, my goals, some big some not-so-big:

  • Be more present: ditch the smart phone! CHECK.
  • Read: Anne of Green Gables (I never have, and it apparently is a must)
  • Go blonde. For real, I have ALWAYS wanted to. Why not now? *gulp* I want to grow my hair out too...but still not completely sold on that idea just yet.
  • Get back to my athlete-self. I dont like comparing myself to the past. I want to find my NEW athlete-me. This third baby has taking me forever to "bounce back", throw in a move and miscarriage on top of that and I am just *physically* not where I am comfortable. 
  • Host at least one magical, creative dinner party
  • Get away for more than one night with Chad
  • Lose my filter. Well, maybe not totally lose. But I filter what I say too much (in my opinion, and Chad agrees). I want to be more bold and say exactly what I think. 
  • Focus on planning. Meals, work-outs, activities, just everything. I thrive on structure. I want to get THIS planner so bad it hurts. Need to start saving and just do it! My friend showed me hers and it blew my mind, its laid out how my brain thinks! And I am the girl that has to physically write stuff down, not type. 
  • Execute. I have a lot of good ideas and I let them simmer....and then they fade. NO more. I just need to jump and DO IT. 
And there you have it.
2014 is going to be awesome.

Tuesday, December 31, 2013


My new years resolutions:
To be more present: I no longer have a smart phone starting tomorrow. BOOM.
To lose 30 freaking pounds. 

Bring it, 2014

Sunday, December 29, 2013

homeless for the (post) holidays?

As the molasses cookies cook and cool,
I sit here kind of like this.
Lots on my mind. Good stuff, that is perplexing.
We thought we had it all figured out with the house stuff.
Long story short we have put multiple offers in, on a 125 year old house, land, brand new, and medium old houses and things just are connecting.
The funny thing is, is that we are not worried at all. We just have a solid feeling of peace that the right thing is just around the corner. And maybe tomorrow, it will be!
Keep your fingers crossed for us ok? We close on our house mid January...and it'd be kinda nice to have a place to live.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

on loss, and gratitude, and then on both.

Do you ever get hit directly in the heart with a piercing arrow of gratitude?
Thats how I felt a few minutes ago.

I have always been one to feel fully saturated emotions.
Some people accuse women of being "too emotional" or "too sensitive". I feel very blessed that I can feel things with such force. I'd like to think it leads me to live my life richly, deeply.
Becoming a mother has made me feel things even more. I recently watched this video about empathy vs sympathy (MUST watch). I think becoming a mom has made me more empathetic, not emotional. And maybe the accusation that women are too sensitive or emotional, is wrong, and we're just empathetic? My first reaction is to now climb down the latter and share the experience with the person, instead of poking my head down the hole and trying to find the positive.  I find my self tearing up pretty often. Its funny how my body reacts to emotions, I must express it, if not with words or a deliberate action, with it leaking out my eyes?

I took this picture about five seconds ago. 
And I was a teary mess.
But for good reasons, let me explain:
I just finished reading a beautiful, sad, moving essay about a still birth.
She writes very raw. 
Personally, I have never experienced the loss of a child. I did lose my mother as a child, and I have had a miscarriage (writing that makes me feel like I'm writing down my not trying to come across like that). My experience was not the exact same as hers, but the emotions and some of the questions I had during the loss were similar. 

Loss is an interesting thing. For a long time I found myself having somewhat of a fatalist mindset. Meaning, that I assumed the people in my life that I love the most, would die before old age. Really, I did believe that. I still have to talk myself down sometimes. Eden's whole pregnancy I was convinced she wasn't going to live. I am getting better. It used to mean I had a hard time really attaching myself to others, to giving my whole heart to them because when you lose someone that has your heart, part of you is lost, too. 
But becoming a mother, you have no choice, that baby takes your heart the minute you learn about them. At least for me. Which has been so good for me.

Another interesting thing about loss is trying to not have "fear based gratitude" is what I call it. Being grateful for someone because you never know when they'll leave/die. Being grateful for someone because maybe there is a unseen correlation between how grateful I am and the longevity of life? Am I making sense? Loss has taught me so much. At first it obviously made me very, very guarded. But it has, over time, changed me and refined me to be a better woman.

Back to the picture: I walked into Maggie's room (hello big girl bed!?!) and teared up with gratitude for my husband for snuggling her to sleep, for Maggie and the firecracker she is. For the joy that these two bring into my life. And I got teary because I wasn't scared. My gratitude was pure gratitude, that faint after taste of fear never came. And for me, that is a big deal.

Monday, December 23, 2013

cookies and salsa

Today I made crappy gingerbread cookies! Yay!
But, thankfully, we all know cream cheese frosting makes everything delicious.
 After cleaning up the aftermath of rolling out the dough/cutting the cookies on the table I was not really  wanting to deal with kids+frosting+sprinkles at that moment.

SO. We treated the cookies as chips and the frosting as salsa and had a partay!
Highly recommend!

Saturday, December 21, 2013

to chop, or not to chop, THAT is the current question.

I actually have about a zillion questions in my head at one time.
And one of them is:
Keep growing out this madness,
Chop it off again and maybe go a little wild on color.

I know which one sounds more fun.

Friday, December 20, 2013

thoughts on miscarriage

In early August I had a miscarriage. (blogged about it, remember?)

I still get emotional thinking about it somedays. 
I still feel a sting when one of my good friends walks in the door with a beautiful round belly, due the same day (I was). 
I dont plan on ever "getting over it". That baby, that hope of a new life will always be a part of me, so the loss of that hope will always feel sad.
It's funny how loss can just hit you out of no where, I still am like this with my mom who died when I was 11. A month or so ago we went on a big group date and my girl friends and I listed off our mutual friends that were pregnant, when Chad and I got in the car I just sobbed. I was supposed to be one of those friends on that list!

I keep having the same thought lately. We as expecting parents are sort of trained to "not tell ANYONE we're expecting incase we miscarry."

I mean really, that's awful.

Why do we feel we need to carry that loss alone? What is so awful about people, friends, and family there to cry with you, hold your hand, tell you that yes this does suck but that they're there with you? I understand some people prefer to be more private, but most moms (and dads!) who miscarry that I know, feel so lonely in the pain, and appreciate some compassion from those in their life.  

I did the same. We found out we were pregnant and said nothing. Then when the miscarriage happened. I called family to let them know I had been pregnant, and then miscarried. About three people in the same state as me knew, they happened to be friends that had miscarried in the past. 

I guess what I am saying is, miscarriage is painful. It is a real loss that for some reason we decided to make private and at least for me, that made it lonely.  I really feel there are so many amazing, loving people out there, who want to buoy us up when we are sinking. There are so many loving hands that want to serve, even if thats "I'm so sorry"+ a hug. 

I dont know how to end this post with "flow" but know that like all trials though, the miscarriage journey continues to strengthen me, and bring me closer to Christ. It is a "refiner" on my life timeline. And I want to be the person that people can call for help, or just a hug and someone to cry with . 


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