Wednesday, April 4, 2012

messy room

The past couple weeks has been hard for me.
"I think I am depressed" I said to Chad a few days ago.
I was feeling so tired, so overwhelmed and behind on basically every aspect of my life. My house is not in order after moving, my body is still verrrrry postpartum, I have been sucking at reading my scriptures,  I am not taking "me" time ever,  I haven't been doing "mommy school" with Eden lately and and that really really makes me feel like crappy mom, haven't been eating as good as I'd like to, really this list could just keep spiraling. 
I think why this was all so hard was I just didn't know where to start. Like when you walk into a messy room to clean up and you need to just start, but you don't know where? Thats just how I felt, I was that messy room. I didn't know where to start, and I was just exhausted and just couldn't do it.
So after putting the girls down for the night,
I told Chad all about what I was feeling like. I knew if I started reading my scriptures, and running in the morning, and meal planning, and a chore chart, and scheduled "me" time then I would start feeling better. But this all sounded SO overwhelming that I just started crying.

And this is why Chad is my best friend. He didn't jump in and try to fix everything. We just talked.  We talked about how I am often way too hard on myself. We talked about how Christ's atonement is for repenting of sins, yes, and to heal broken hearts, yes, but it is also to help us through tough things. We talked about how I can hand my worries over to the Lord. How sometimes we just can not do our best all the time, sometimes just the bare minimum, and thats ok. The lord makes up the difference. We then talked about organizing my priorities,  figured about a better calendar/list system for me (I am EXTREMELY visual) and we picked different nights of the week to plan meals, go over the budget, lesson plans for mommy school, stuff like that.

Yesterday I had a long list of things to do, but it was a sunny beautiful day. I skipped my list and we met Chad for a picnic. It was perfect. We haven't figured it all out, it's Wednesday, and I've only gone running once, but I know I am getting better. We're working on it, cleaning the messy room has been started and its I feel so much better. 


Kelsey said...

Ah Rach, I know just how you feel! I went through this bad when Miles was about 1 and I didn't even have the postpartum thing going on at that point either. :) And it's so nice to have a husband around to help sort out the craziness, makes a big difference.

I'm glad you're getting things figured out and finding what works for you. Good luck! And let me know how it goes, cause I think I'm going to be a complete mess when this 3rd baby comes around. :)

Lindsay said...

Thank you for your testimony Rach.

R* said...

This may sound a bit hippie-dippie, but I think there's something to times and seasons, espeeeeecially when you're a female.

I read a blog post recently (from someone I found through a b'ville gym) that talks about something similar - seasons of transition... planting, prepping, preparing, fertilizing, pollinating, WORKING!, laying the foundation for a productive GROWTH season (spring) season of change (fall), season of rest/challenges (winter), season of excitement, productive, growth, dreams, harvesting (summer)...

Sure, you may be feeling a bit down for various reasons, but given all of the "winter" type things going on in your life (pregnancy, motherhood in general, and then lots of major life changes in quick succession like first home purchase, new baby, move, etc etc etc) I think feeling less energetic or bouncing off the walls is actually a very reasonable mood for your circumstances. I guess what I'm saying is it might not be depression. Even though it's gorgeous weather out and you are super blessed and might be feeling like why the heck am I feeling a bit down, it's TOTALLY OK to slack off and be less than tip top perfect... for a "season" :)

Rachel, I adore you and all you meynders lovelies. hugs.


amber york said...

Love you!

Rachelle said...

oh yes, i feel this way a lot. one week i'm on top of everything: running, cleaning, actually reading books to my kids, cooking. then the next week i feel like i'm pulling my hair out because it's 5 pm and everyones crying and i haven't even thought about dinner and the house is a disaster and and and...

i get it. you're not alone. it's hard being a momma and doing it all. glad you took the day to have a picnic. getting outside totally helps me, even if its to the park.

love ya girl. if you ever run into extra cash ( haha i know) come see us. jess is coming in a few weeks

and there were specials on jet blue. think about it.

ps, sorry this was extra long.
talk soon!!!

debsfreckles said...

I was going to write that you shouldn't worry about it cause you just had a baby and moved and both of those things usually put me in a funk. But that is silly, of coarse you are going to worry about it and do the things you need to do little by little to get out of the funk.
Happens to me all the time. It is hard for me to remember, but it seems that whenever I put the most important things first everything else works out.

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh. You totally described what I have been going through. The "everything is too overwhelming" to even start, but you know that you have to fix it to improve. Which is too overwhelming, so you just blah it another day. It is a vicious circle.

Megan Marie said...

i love you. around the merry-go-round again. each time through you know yourself better. just being able to say "i think i'm depressed" is a huge accomplishment. yay for chad. and yay for you because you really are amazing, even if you don't feel that way.

Emma said...

Ahhh, the story of my life this past year and continuing. I think David has lost count of how many times I say this when I'm sobbing in bed at night :(. Life will get better, life will get better, life will get better.

Tiffany said...

I was going through the same thing a few months ago (and to a degree still am). It took a few weeks of heartbreaking pleading on my knees and prayers in the car or at the sink washing dishes. The Lord hears your prayers. He will give you comfort and strength to do hard things. Once you get doing those things you need to be doing (feeding your family, reading your scriptures) everything else slowly falls into place or falls away because it isn't important.

I've learned if I thank the Lord for each and every new day as a chance to begin again life doesn't seem as hard.

Keep up the good work. So glad I found your blog.

Natasha and Jesse said...

Oh my gosh. I just cried at this post. I am feeling the same way right now and it is so hard. I feel like most days I fail at motherhood and organizing everything and then when I do finally start taking a baby step it is just all overwhelming. Thank you for this post. I am so grateful for our Savior who helps with our shortcomings.