I have been having the same frustrating conversation with Chad as we lay in bed at night for months. Months!
"If I could just keep my routine down, I could get it all done. I am just so bad at it!"
I basically say this all the time. A lot of times with tears.
If I could keep a solid routine I could: get all the laundry done, dishes away, floors mopped, bathrooms sparkling, homeschooling done daily and perfectly, kids played with, work-outs done, husband paid attention to...really if I could just grasp that routine and hang on tight I could be super woman.
This has just caused such a negative energy that I have been carrying. Chad helped me night in an epiphany: That is not who I am, and that's ok.
I am not one, nor ever have been one, to have a super structured routine.
I am trying to be someone else.
Who am I? I am the person who's children and husband are her heart. I am the person who loves to embody emotions fully. If I wake up feeling adventurous, I need to get out for a hike, or explore a new part of town, or chop off my hair. If I wake up feeling creative that day I need to create, anything really, a really yummy breakfast, a collage of leaves we find on a walk, a blanket for a new baby. If I wake up content I want to be able to stay home, read books, color, and be calm and content at home. If I wake up solemn or sad, I want to be able to take the day to restore happiness. THAT is who I am. I am a right brained, lover of emotions, of creating, or being free.
I am the mom who paints their kids faces at least weekly. I am the mom who puts food coloring in basically all their food to make it more "magical". And I am the mom who jumps on the trampoline and tries to invent tricks with them.
I love who I am, I love being fully invested in my girls and not caring what my house's state is.
Now, this is what works for me. Not for everyone. I comepletely get it. I am sure the way I live would drive a lot of my friends crazy, but isnt that the great thing? Its my life, not theirs. And I can let got of what any one thinks.
Chad loves who I am, and loves me to be happy.
He reminded me last night that didn't marry me to keep a clean house and laundry put away and perfect meals when he gets home, he married me cause he loves my passion to really love life, and he knew I would try and pass that passion on to our children. He comes home to a messy (albeit, clean, theres a difference!) house and kids with whiskers and knows that today was a great day. He helps me do quick pick up, dishes load and un-load. He even volunteered to take laundry duty. I make sure our house is pretty clean before bed time so when we wake up we have a clear pallet to go crazy with.
I know this post is kind of jumbled. Not a whole lot of flow. But I just wanted to say: I like me, I like the way I think and the way I love. And realizing, again that I shouldn't try and be someone I am not. Cause I am really good at being me, as messy as that is, I like it, no, I love it.
Now if you will excuse me, I have a husband, and three daughters yelling at me to join on them on the trampoline to look at stars.