Thursday, November 1, 2012

the woman, the wife, the mom that I am

I have been having the same frustrating conversation with Chad as we lay in bed at night for months. Months!
"If I could just keep my routine down, I could get it all done. I am just so bad at it!"
I basically say this all the time. A lot of times with tears.
If I could keep a solid routine I could: get all the laundry done, dishes away, floors mopped, bathrooms sparkling, homeschooling done daily and perfectly, kids played with, work-outs done, husband paid attention to...really if I could just grasp that routine and hang on tight I could be super woman.

This has just caused such a negative energy that I have been carrying. Chad helped me night in an epiphany: That is not who I am, and that's ok.

I am not one, nor ever have been one, to have a super structured routine. 
I am trying to be someone else.
Who am I? I am the person who's children and husband are her heart. I am the person who loves to embody emotions fully. If I wake up feeling adventurous, I need to get out for a hike, or explore a new part of town, or chop off my hair. If I wake up feeling creative that day I need to create, anything really, a really yummy breakfast, a collage of leaves we find on a walk, a blanket for a new baby. If I wake up content I want to be able to stay home, read books, color, and be calm and content at home. If I wake up solemn or sad, I want to be able to take the day to restore happiness. THAT is who I am. I am a right brained, lover of emotions, of creating, or being free.

I am the mom who paints their kids faces at least weekly. I am the mom who puts food coloring in basically all their food to make it more "magical". And I am the mom who jumps on the trampoline and tries to invent tricks with them.

I love who I am, I love being fully invested in my girls and not caring what my house's state is. 

Now, this is what works for me. Not for everyone. I comepletely get it. I am sure the way I live would drive a lot of my friends crazy, but isnt that the great thing? Its my life, not theirs. And I can let got of what any one thinks. 

Chad loves who I am, and loves me to be happy. 

He reminded me last night that didn't marry me to keep a clean house and laundry put away and perfect meals when he gets home, he married me cause he loves my passion to really love life, and he knew I would try and pass that passion on to our children. He comes home to a messy (albeit, clean, theres a difference!) house and kids with whiskers and knows that today was a great day. He helps me do quick pick up, dishes load and un-load. He even volunteered to take laundry duty. I make sure our house is pretty clean before bed time so when we wake up we have a clear pallet to go crazy with.

I know this post is kind of jumbled. Not a whole lot of flow. But I just wanted to say: I like me, I like the way I think and the way I love. And realizing, again that I shouldn't try and be someone I am not. Cause I am really good at being me, as messy as that is, I like it, no,  I love it.

Now if you will excuse me, I have a husband, and three daughters yelling at me to join on them on the trampoline to look at stars. 


Laura said...

Awesome post. I get this, because I am pretty much the same way! :)

A little Birdie... said...

I love you.

Bham2Sisters said...

You are only a mom of lil ones for so long. I remember my friend told me one of these days, she would have to come over and help me clean my house...I never gave it a second thought, I always played hard with the kids, the house can wait!
Go Rachel!

Anonymous said...

This is so like me. I want the perfectly clean organized house, the time to devote to each of my kids and my husband, and to have it ddone every single day, and if I don't I get into a seriously blue funk. I have to slow down and breathe, remind myself what is really the most important, and remind myself that my husband has always said that the only thing that matters to him is that the kids and I are happy when he gets home.

Megan Marie said...

heck yeah!

Celeste said...

see, the problem with reading your blog for me, is that every post I just want to comment "I love your guts." But that gets creepery after a while, so I try not to do it every time. I try to restrain myself. Those are the times when I comment something along the lines of "why don't we live closer!?!?!?!" I've been trying to figure these types of things about myself forever. I've very recently figured out that "balance" is a figment of my imagination, at least as I was envisioning it....
I have come to terms with the fact that for myself, two kids is my answer. I can be the kind of mom I want to be to Sawyer & Abram. Anything else is asking me to try to be Kierstin or Kirsten or Rachel or any other of my beautiful amazing friends. But me, I am a two kid mom who is happiest when I work out everyday and snuggle with each kid for a half hour every night and gets annoyed if they don't eat my healthy food and puts myself in timeout more often than I do my kids. I'm a happy wife when I communicate my needs better and get a few hours of Matt's full attention per week. I'm instantly onery if I step on food on my floor, so I sweep and mop every night. These are the things that are important to me right now. They will no doubt change over the years. But as long as I'm tuned into my needs, it seems like everyone else is happy too, so if it seems as if I'm being selfish... it's for my families good. It's always a work in progress though.
Also, I love your guts.
Also also, read this...

Vanessa in Va said...

You have a wonderful life and bravo to you for loving every part of it and yourself. It's not easy being a woman, mom, etc. But loving who you are allows others to love you the way you deserve. It looks like you have found peace with this subject:) And thank you for being an inspiration to us Super Hero Mom's:)

Jessica said...

This is so beautiful. This is what makes women the best we are all different. It's when we realize that the differences are what makes us rockstars that make things magic:). Embrace who you are it's sounds like your kids and husband think you are great and that is what matters.