Random fact about me,
when I cry, my brown eyes turn green:
yesterday, my eyes were green most of the day.
For the past while, I have been struggling trying to figure out what I REALLY want. I have been %100 mom the past 5+ years and now that my kids are getting more and more independent I am trying to remember who I am , and what I want to do in my life.
I am a goal person. I need something to strive for, to work for. Even if its years in the future. In the past it has been to have a baby, and care for that baby and repeat three times.
I am a person of little inhibition. I honestly believe I can do pretty much what ever I want to do. I just have to want it bad enough, and nothing can get in my way.
I am an idea person. I have a bout a million ideas constantly running around in my head. I have a lot of goals/ideas that sound great, but which one do I want?
Do I want another baby? Or is that just something familiar, that I know how to do (this is the longest I have gone with out being pregnant our whole marriage! Crazy!)
Do I really want to go to med school?
Do I really want to be a midwife?
Do I really want to get a masters degree?
Do I really want to stay in Arkansas?
Do I really want to go to nursing school?
Do I really want to go to PA school?
Do I really want to be a stay at home mom til my kids are out of the house?
Every single time I prayed about it, my answer was: "It's your choice."
Which kind of drove me crazy. And left me confused. I know how to be obedient, I dare say I am pretty good at it. If I feel prompted to act in a certain way, or do something, as in I feel that God is wanting me to do something, I have no problem acting. He says "jump", I say "how high?".
But when it came to feeling alone in my choice, I broke down. I have never felt this way.
Yesterday was hard.
I put the girls in the bath and laid down in my bed and just talked to God. Told him all that I am feeling. With teary (green!) eyes, and at the end just asked him, if He could just help in the right direction. I am not asking him to tell me exactly what to do, but I felt so lost.
I got up.
Two minutes later, my sweet midwife that delivered Maggie texts me:
"I have been thinking about you sometimes. Are you still interested in possibly apprenticing at some point? Do you have any estimates on when you might be ready if you are interested? I really don't need an apprentice anytime soon, but would still love to talk with you about it:)"
I fell to my knees and sobbed in gratitude. Just like that. My answer came.
I meet with Lucy on monday to plan out my next life goal:
to be a midwife.