Wednesday, April 24, 2013

next life goal

Random fact about me,
when I cry, my brown eyes turn green:
yesterday, my eyes were green most of the day.

For the past while, I have been struggling trying to figure out what I REALLY want. I have been %100  mom the past 5+ years and now that my kids are getting more and more independent I am trying to remember who I am , and what I want to do in my life.
I am a goal person. I need something to strive for, to work for. Even if its years in the future. In the past it has been to have a baby, and care for that baby and repeat three times. 
I am a person of little inhibition. I honestly believe I can do pretty much what ever I want to do. I just have to want it bad enough, and nothing can get in my way.
I am an idea person. I have a bout a million ideas constantly running around in my head. I have a lot of goals/ideas that sound great, but which one do I want?

Do I want another baby? Or is that just something familiar, that I know how to do (this is the longest I have gone with out being pregnant our whole marriage! Crazy!)
Do I really want to go to med school?
Do I really want to be a midwife?
Do I really want to get a masters degree?
Do I really want to stay in Arkansas?
Do I really want to go to nursing school?
Do I really want to go to PA school?
Do I really want to be a stay at home mom til my kids are out of the house?

Every single time I prayed about it, my answer was: "It's your choice."
Which kind of drove me crazy. And left me confused. I know how to be obedient, I dare say I am pretty good at it. If I feel prompted to act in a certain way, or do something, as in I feel that God is wanting me to do something, I have no problem acting. He says "jump", I say "how high?". 
But when it came to feeling alone in my choice, I broke down. I have never felt this way.

Yesterday was hard. 

I put the girls in the bath and laid down in my bed and just talked to God. Told him all that I am feeling. With teary (green!) eyes, and at the end just asked him, if He could just help in the right direction. I am not asking him to tell me exactly what to do, but I felt so lost. 
I got up.

Two minutes later, my sweet midwife that delivered Maggie texts me:
"I have been thinking about you sometimes. Are you still interested in possibly apprenticing at some point? Do you have any estimates on when you might be ready if you are interested? I really don't need an apprentice anytime soon, but would still love to talk with you about it:)"

I fell to my knees and sobbed in gratitude. Just like that. My answer came.
I meet with Lucy on monday to plan out my next life goal:
to be a midwife.


13 comments:

Teresa said...

This is fantastic! I can totally see you as a midwife. Your strength and confidence will transfer to the women that you help through the amazing process of childbirth. Wow. So excited for you. :):):)

Have you seen the PBS series called Call the Midwife? You can find past episodes online.

I appreciate that you shared this - your testimony and etc. Thank you.

aswigfromthesiggs said...

Amazing Rach! What a sweet gift answered prayers are. I think you would be an awesome midwife, you have a unique gift of making people around you believe that they can do anything if they just try. I mean, look at how many people are doing the 21 day sugar fast because of you! I may even try it.. Good luck with your life's next chapter!

A little Birdie... said...

I'll wait to have more babies until you're a midwife! You will be the best! Excited to see your journey

{Marie Long} said...

Now my eyes are green!! I have been following your blog for sometime now and I have loved having a virtual friend that reminds me of myself :)

Go for this new adventure as a midwife! My mom is a midwife in California and has been one since I was about 4, she has now delivered all 22 of her grand kids including my own 4, at home. It will be such a wonderful thing for you and your family and for all the sweet and needing moms that you will help. Congrats on getting your answer :)

Jennifer Miller said...

What a terrific story! Heavenly Father hears us. Its funny as you listed all the things you wanted to do, when I read Mid-Wife I thought Rachel would be so good at that, I hope she goes for that! Yay for answers to prayers!

debsfreckles said...

I love this. Who you are now and who you are going to be.

Natasha Holmquist said...

SO Freakin awesome, Rachel. When you become a midwife someday let me be your apprentice. K?

Andrea said...

Wow! I love this. I had a similar answer to prayer experience recently and it was such a sweet gift that I all too often take for granted. He is our Father and wants us to talk to him. Good for you. I think you will be a wonderful Midwife.

Haley said...

Goodness I'm tearing up Rachel! This mom gig rocks, but it is hard balancing it all and keeping my own identity. Sounds like you had some awesome ideas/possibilities and I know you'd thrive in each one! But seriously when I read down the list, midwife stuck out to me...then reading about that text from your midwife. LOVE THIS. You're an incredible woman, and your faith and trust in the Lord and His plan for you and your family inspires me. So excited for you and this next adventure. You're going to be a rocking midwife! I am thinking of going that route next time...wish we lived closer! ;) Hope you and Chad and your 3 princesses are doing great. xo

Hays said...

yep - awesome.

MTD said...

gaaaaahhhh!!! I'm sorry I was all "well, if you'd just do your dinner prep earlier in the day..." yesterday!!! I'm totally lame sometimes. I'm sorry you had a rough one, I'm so grateful that you share these types of things, your awesomeness cannot be fully contained in words. So proud of you and so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who throws us a freakin bone sometimes. He's the best.

Nina said...

You will be a good one!!

Nina said...

You will be a good one!!