Monday, August 5, 2013

my first miscarriage

Thursday was the day I learned what it feels like to miscarry. 
I had only known I was pregnant for about a week and was trying to wrap my head around that. Getting excited, making lists of names (we just knew it was a boy), day dreaming about how I would re-arrange the bedrooms to fit precious #4 in to our home.
And then, I went to the bathroom, and there was no question that it was spotting. I was having a miscarriage. 

I was so blessed that Chad was home, and that my sister was here, too. So much love and support right here in my home. But even then, miscarriage is a lonely road. 

I am still processing. I am always trying to figure out the next step, or figure out why something is happening. Which in this case, it pointless and exhausting. I am trying really hard to just let myself feel what I need to feel and be patient with myself and situation. The cramping has almost stopped, but I am still feeling like I got hit by a bus, just so tired. Once again, I am so blessed, I have so many friends here willing to help. 

Right now as I look at this picture I took a week ago makes me tear up. How fast life can change.


13 comments:

aswigfromthesiggs said...

Heart broken for you Rach. What a roller coaster of emotion. Glad you have had your sister there. When really hard things happen I think of this lyric, "the path to heaven runs through miles of clouded hell." We take the really bad because it makes the really good REALLY good. So so much love to you Rachel!

JDS said...

My heart and prayers go out to you girl! You're fantastic and I know you will find a way through it but that doesn't mean you have to pretend it didn't happen. Call me if you need a vent, hug, or girls night! Love ya!

Rachel said...

So sorry Rach! I went through this before Eli and it was a heartbreaking experience. I do believe though that when you miscarry early in the pregnancy that that little soul waiting up in heaven still gets the opportunity to come down the next time. I know Eli was the one who missed his ride the first time and just came later then we had planned. It made me even more grateful and appreciative. I was also so grateful that it had happened so early for me (8-9 weeks) and not after I had become even more attached, and told everyone. I'm thinking of you and sending love your way. Let me know if you need to talk. Xoxo

Rachel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
John and Rachel Erickson said...

I'm so sorry Rachel. My only miscarriage was exactly like that. I was shocked at how much it affected me even though it had only been a couple of days since I found out. Heart-crushing. Praying for you today!

Our Little Online Corner said...

You don't know me.... but I felt I should comment. I miscarried between my two children, and it was heartbreaking, especially since I had already had a successful pregnancy I thought I was home free. I was only 7 weeks along... but had already made plans in my brain. Hard not to get your hopes up, ya know?

Anyway. My heart goes out to you. It is so hard, and then you are back to square one again. Something that helped me was knowing that it was completely out of my control, there was nothing I did or could do to prevent it, that it was out of my hands.. HF has a plan, I know you know that. Hugs from California.

Southern Belle said...

so sorry Rachel:( I haven't experienced that, but I can't even imagine:( Hope you feel better soon!

Tif said...

Love and prayers, Rach. I was in your shoes a month ago. Especially trying to decipher what it means/might be a sign of. My mama told me "sometimes things just happen and aren't meant to make you second guess decisions you were previously confident in" which has helped. Sort of. But as you know, when your world is rocked not much will help. So love and prayers to you and Chad.

Megan Marie said...

i love you.

Teresa said...

I am so sorry for your loss, Rachel. Thinking of you ...

amber malmberg said...

I love you Rachel, and I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm thinking of you and your family, and your all in my prayers. Call me if you need someone to talk to.

Bethany and Scott said...

Miscarriage does feel like a lonely road . . . I'm so sorry for your loss. I had 3 miscarriages in a row before having our Maggie. But we are always in the Lord's hands. Love you Rachel and if you need anyone to talk to, I'm here for you!! Prayers going out to you and Chad!

Rachel said...

When we got pregnant before Brielle, I miscarried, I think it was about 6 weeks along, not quite sure. I was such in a shock about being pregnant that when I miscarried I wasn't that sad about it. I then would see moms who were pregnant or after a while would see kids about the age that mine would have been and I became devastated. Still to this day it is something that is always with me. I am sorry that you had to experience it and I hope that you are in a better place and know that we are always thinking of you and wishing you guys the best!