Friday, December 20, 2013

thoughts on miscarriage

In early August I had a miscarriage. (blogged about it, remember?)

I still get emotional thinking about it somedays. 
I still feel a sting when one of my good friends walks in the door with a beautiful round belly, due the same day (I was). 
I dont plan on ever "getting over it". That baby, that hope of a new life will always be a part of me, so the loss of that hope will always feel sad.
It's funny how loss can just hit you out of no where, I still am like this with my mom who died when I was 11. A month or so ago we went on a big group date and my girl friends and I listed off our mutual friends that were pregnant, when Chad and I got in the car I just sobbed. I was supposed to be one of those friends on that list!

I keep having the same thought lately. We as expecting parents are sort of trained to "not tell ANYONE we're expecting incase we miscarry."

I mean really, that's awful.

Why do we feel we need to carry that loss alone? What is so awful about people, friends, and family there to cry with you, hold your hand, tell you that yes this does suck but that they're there with you? I understand some people prefer to be more private, but most moms (and dads!) who miscarry that I know, feel so lonely in the pain, and appreciate some compassion from those in their life.  

I did the same. We found out we were pregnant and said nothing. Then when the miscarriage happened. I called family to let them know I had been pregnant, and then miscarried. About three people in the same state as me knew, they happened to be friends that had miscarried in the past. 

I guess what I am saying is, miscarriage is painful. It is a real loss that for some reason we decided to make private and at least for me, that made it lonely.  I really feel there are so many amazing, loving people out there, who want to buoy us up when we are sinking. There are so many loving hands that want to serve, even if thats "I'm so sorry"+ a hug. 

I dont know how to end this post with "flow" but know that like all trials though, the miscarriage journey continues to strengthen me, and bring me closer to Christ. It is a "refiner" on my life timeline. And I want to be the person that people can call for help, or just a hug and someone to cry with . 


Shalise & Jason Staples said...

I am sorry. I have been in the exact same place as you and the pain dose lessen but there will be times that still get you ( like writing about it now) the good thing is when you do have a sweet baby that joy and watching them grow dose ease the pain and you don't think about it as much. Your next pregnancy well every time your pregnant the worry it will happen again is really crapy. And it might but if it dose just remember you came out stronger the first time and things happen for a reason. I had my first miscarriage 5 1/2 yrs ago then a little girl now 4. It did take 7months after to get pregnant again. Then another miscarriage 1 1/2 years ago and now have a little boy 7 months. I will always remember when they were due and when I lost them. I had a great dr and he said at least we know you can get pregnant,.

Emma said...

I had to excuse myself to the bathroom several times when I would be in a group setting and talk revolved around babies. I would do some major deep breathing and stuff my eyes with toilet paper to keep the tears from coming and get a grip on my emotions, then go back out and laugh and carry on. Then I'd get home later and cry. A few times i would just burst into tears because i couldn't hold it in.
I still think about that baby. I still remember the due date and the date of the miscarriage. The baby would have turned 5 in Feb.
Thank you for your thoughts. Sending some hugs :).

Bonnie and Tyler said...

Having had two miscarriages myself I understand completely. NO other baby will replace that loss. I have never been one to not tell people that i am pregnant "just in case". Just because I know that if something were to happen I would not want to bare that sadness alone. Yes it is hard to tell people, but those people, your friends and family are there for you and will help you get through it. It always helps to talk to people who have been there before you and can feel the pain with you. And not just tell you "everything happens for a reason" I hated hearing that. I just needed shoulders to cry on and someone to hold me. I'm sorry you are grieving this loss. It does get better with time. But don't ever feel like you have to get over it.

janandtheboys said...

Rach.. I agree with you that we should not suffer alone and that we ought to just say we are pregnant when we are!! NO ONE needs to go through that alone. It is a very sad thing to have your dreams lost. Why not share with the people in our lives!

Terah said...

I've never had a miscarriage or been pregnant, but I know the feeling of wanting a baby. It seems that every time I am with family or friends there is always talk of having a baby, being pregnant, delivering a baby and more talk of having babies and I of course smile and act like it's all ok when really I have that empty feeling that I know will never go away. Keeping you in my prayers.