Tuesday, March 8, 2016

make a list

I've been in a "funk" the past little while. Thankfully I went to a wonderful counselor a while back that filled my tool belt full of tools to help work through the dark cloud of depression/anxiety.
|orange blossom tea+fresh ricotta smeared on grilled bread with jam and pepper|
The thing about depression is (yes, I will start many sentences like this, cause there are LOTS of things) is you are: sad, apathetic, terribly scared, guilt ridden, feeling totally worthless, frustrated, unable to focus/think clearly, sensitive and physically tired all at the same time until basically you can't take it or things start picking up. I am past the "cant take it" stage. That was a few years ago. But I sill get into a downward spiral every now and then and the maddening thing is, there's really no specific reason. It's been a few week process but yesterday all those familiar feels creeped back in and eventually last night I found myself not caring about anything but at the same time on the verge of tears over anything. A few years of bad days has taught me comedy helps me. I knew some 30 Rock+turning my brain off (sleep) definitely helps.
And it did of course. I woke up, very timid, but feeling better.
I dropped the last kid off at school and went to my favorite coffee shop/restaurant. Pulled out a pen and scrap piece of paper and haphazardly wrote down anything and everything that brings me joy. Ranging from "getting a fountain diet coke at my gas station on the way to running errands" to "connecting to God through scripture study".
Yesterday I could remember what in the past made me happy, but it felt like somebody else's memory I had to trust to be real cause I wasn't feeling it at all. Today I was able to write a bunch of stuff down, and really felt good about it. I like me. I like what my strengths are and what my weaknesses are. 
Sometimes writing things down that we are thankful can cause some guilt cause we should be thankful for everything, right?! Why am I not happy and content? What's wrong with me? There are child slaves in Africa! I am horrible!...and then all a sudden you are entitled, fat, and full of yourself (see! queen of spiraling!). 
Writing stuff down that brings you joy is a whole different angle.
Writing down what brings you joy also sets you up for a game plan. I enjoy doing x,y and z. So today I am going to incorporate those things in my life. Or at least plan for them to happen.
I hope that helps. Or if not I hope you realize how delicious and simple that breakfast was. Seriously.

1 comment:

miccolene said...

Is this weird that I'm admitting I read your blog and yeah we've never met. I can't even remember how I stumbled onto it, except probably we have a mutual friend somewhere. Anyway. I started reading before Magnolia was born. And then you went away and the LO! You returned! Yes! Like we would probably be friends in real life, I'm guessing. Anyway. Word vomit. I just wanted to say hey I'm glad you are blogging again, even if I'm just a voice in the darkness saying yay.

In my family we call those yucky days Sneaky Hate Spirals. One thing after another of particularly nothing but everything. Good for you for recognizing when you need a little help. I pop in to my counselor every now and then to sharpen those tools I need. She's great.

Welcome back.